News

1/7/05

Tommy Bolin Replaces Blackmore (again):    Yet again the Deep Purple/Burn parallel lives came together recently when it was announced that guitarist/vocalist Cliff Brown (28) would join drummer Ross Elder and singer/bassist Johnny Heywood in a brand new band working under the name, 'Fire In The Hole'. The Critic has discovered that handsome, virtuoso Cliff was originally inspired by Tommy Bolin's playing on Billy Cobham's 1973 Spectrum album which led to Bolin being asked to join Deep Purple in 1975, replacing Ritchie Blackmore.

Heywood was pleased to report, "Yes, it's a weird and spooky co-incidence of epic proportions that this Blackmore/Bolin parallel should occur as Rob is such a Blacker's devotee. You know, I've always thought that it was 1973 all my life but now it seems it's moved on to 1975 and we've replaced Blackmore with Bolin!"

Ross Elder was happy too. "It's a dream come true to be playing with Cliff," he smiled in a jovial yet attractive way. "The only worry I have is that Bolin was dead within 18 months of joining Purple and that would be a real inconvenience if the same happened to Cliff. I wish he had been inspired by Blackmore's next replacement, Steve Morse and then he'd be safe for at least 12 years."

27/6/05

Blackmore Breaks up Burn:    Incredible co-incidences were once again being discussed in the rock fraternity when, in a move mirroring guitarist Ritchie Blackmore quitting Deep Purple prior to a 1993 Japanese tour, Rob Sas (29) announced that he had split Burn. "Yes, it's true," announced the Rocking Man. "Although we haven't got a Japanese tour or even a Buckinghamshire tour lined up, I felt the same as Ritchie and the band finishes as of now. I have invited drummer Ross Elder to join with me in a new version of the band. It'll be miles better, trust me, I'm a doctor (of Rock)."

The Critic pointed out that this really means that singing bassist Johnny Heywood is sacked, to be replaced by unknown personnel at this time. Can he actually do that?

"Yes, I can. It's my band. I started it by completely by myself and chose the original members, Simon, Tom and.... er.. Johnny."

Drumming Dude Ross Elder has declined to join the New Burn and plans are underway to form a different band. "I'd like it to be like a follow up to Burn so I am toying with the name BURNT or CHARRED.

Johnny Heywood appeared devastated by the news and was heavily sedated and unavailable for comment. That didn't stop him from talking of course and he reported, "I am at a loss to know what to do. I have no options left. Apart from a new band with Ross, my blues band Firedogs, Wingspan, The New Mud, The Misfits, Rock-a-billy band The Copy Cats and The Self Righteous Bros., I have nothing to do... apart from running my day time business. Personally, I blame Ritchie Blackmore cos where he goes, Rob follows. I can only hope Blackmore re-joins Purple soon."

The question remains. Will Rob do a "Ritchie" and form a hey-nonny-nonny Medieval acoustic band?

10/6/05

Glamorous Rock Babes:    In a desperate effort to raise the profile of the band, Singer Johnny Heywood (21) and guitarist Rob Sas (22) have been seen around town with various glamorous "celebrity babes". Victoria Beckham's topsy turvy marriage to footballing great, David seems to be in trouble again as Johnny escorted her to a recent opening of The Chipping Sodbury Local Fete. He immediately denied there was anything between them. "We're just good friends," he claimed, then showed great annoyance when everyone accepted that without question.

   Johnny, as he might look if he was with top rock chick, Posh Spice.

Rob Sas, no stranger to romance, has been seen in the company of Hollywood Babe, Renee Zellweger and helped the award winning actress/diarist out and recent charity ball. Denying that "there wasn't nothing going on" seemed a double negative way of answering and no-one is actually sure what it meant.

Rob and the lovely Renee, in Hollywood recently.   

Drummer Ross Elder, known as the Wycombe Wanderer when it comes to the ladies, was seen in the company of Busty Babe Pamela Anderson recently but his wife found out and boxed his ears.

26/4/05

Child Abuse:    Paralleling the child abuse allegations against dancing singer Michael Jackson taking place in California comes the shocking news that Johnny Heywood, a bassist of no fixed talent has been arrested and held in custody on similar charges. Police detectives have revealed that Heywood (41) has been seen sleeping with bass guitars less than half his age and in some cases, beating them when they "misbehaved".

Known for his large collection of stringed instruments (which he refers to as "my children"), Heywood has been known to have had other people's guitars stay over at his house although it is not known whether he took them to bed or not.

"It's really disgusting," said a former girl friend who wished to stay unknown called Bertha (72). "Any time I got to sleep in his bed there would be a large machine head poking up my bum or a strap lock imbedded in my boob. I hardly got any rest, I can tell you. It was awful!"

Taiwanese house keeper Juliana Wonna Fok (81), who hails from Hong Kong has given evidence that she saw Heywood on several occasions beat a guitar severely when it played a wrong note. "..and he used abusive language on the poor creatures. I saw a young Fender completely broken up after a beating. He's an animal."

Heywood's defence takes the form of "Bollox. I bought it so I'll bloody boot it!"

    A broken Fender, yesterday

15/4/05

Johnny's Ear's:    Further to the recent story regarding Johnny's elbows, it seems that other parts of his anatomy are also suffering from malaise. Johnny (21) reported that his right ear has been blocked since getting "man flu" 3 weeks ago.

"It's bloody terrible," moaned the Bass Bloke. "I have to rely on Rob to tell me how to balance the volume of our instruments and I'm not sure he hears it the way I like it." The Sad Singer continued. "He assured me that my amplifier sounded best on "1" when I normally have it on "10"! I was surprised but, after all, he's my big pal and I'm sure he must be right. I mean, if the bass couldn't be heard then think how that would sound?"

Guitar totin' Rob was unavailable for comment last night due to being out celebrating some happy event in his life.

7/4/05

Johnny's Elbows:    Despair seemed to be the order of the day when it was announced that bassist/vocalist Johnny Heywood (16) was suffering from "tennis elbow" in both arms and doctors feared it had already spread to his ankles too. This syndrome seems to be caused by excessive playing and poor technique, not least of all when it comes to bass playing.

"It's very alarming," said a forlorn Johnny. "My legendary speed and forceful playing has been compromised and if I have to stop playing for a lengthy period of time then I don't know what Ross & Rob will do. They'll be so upset. Devastated, more like."

Spokesman Rob Sas, (32) of no fixed abode, said "Yes, it's a real tragedy. Still, I have Elliott lined up alongside my daughter Dani to cover the vocals and we just won't bother with the bass - it's unnecessary and just gets in the way of my mighty guitar. I'm advising Johnny to start his break immediately, or sooner."

Ross declined to get involved and seemed confused, not having realised that there was a bass player in Burn. "I thought it was all Rob's mighty guitar! Hmmm, come to think of it, I wondered what that fat geezer was doing in front of me."

10/3/05

Baldy Locks:    Comic guitarist Rob Sas (29) has recently openly admitted concern for his band mates hair lines.

"Yes, I am very worried," explained the speedy lead player. "I remarked to Johnny that he couldn't go on stage with his hair like that and he was very offended. It was all sticky up like a brush and it accentuated his widening forehead. I was only trying to help and he got very shirty so I merely reminded him that my own luxurious locks are still attached by natural means. I also offered Ross as much of my hair as he needed should he be thinking of a transplant as I can spare it, you know. He didn't much care for my help, either. They are so sensitive."

In a one-off, unique interview later with The Critic, Johnny laughed off the accusations of baldness. "I've always had a high hair line but I'm not going bald yet!" he adamantly explained. "I just got rid of my fringe. As for Sas, just ask him to lift back his own hair - it's so far combed forward that he's turning into bloody Bobby Charlton."

    Ross pictured after luxuriant hair transplant

16/2/05

Burn Rehearsal Ends in Punch-up:    Burn's long awaited rehearsal to preview new material ended in a vicious fight between band members according to sources last night. It seems the problem stemmed from a disagreement about which numbers had been agreed to learn prior to last night's run through.

"We should have used bleedin' e-mails to contact each other. However, we chose the phone and everyone knows Rob & Ross's hearing is all shot to buggery," explained Johnny, who wears plugs to protect his ears from everything from talking - to birds twittering in the trees. "For weeks I have gone on about AC/DC's Highway To Hell though they both forgot. I definitely said Highway and Rob comes along with the chords to bloody Frank Sinatra's My Way!"

"Well, he should talk clearer," countered Robbie. "I wanted Billy Idol's Rebel's Yell and Ross prepared an interesting arrangement of Jingle Bells the silly sod! It's well past Xmas, and Johnny refused to play it cos it wasn't classic enough."

Ross  responded, "Yes, I thought it was strange but knowing Rob, I thought it was probably just some Yngwie Malmsteen version so I came prepared. Johnny wanted Highway To Hell, Rob wanted Deep Purple's Rat Bat Blue so we compromised. We're going to do Bat Out Of Hell!"

On hearing this, Rob, who hates Meatloaf with a vengeance apparently attacked the other two and the current state of the band is unclear.

27/1/05

Burn Annoy Neighbours:  High Wycombe spies uncovered a plot to remove drummer Ross Elder (36) from his top secret drum college/workshop/rehearsal hall, the location of which is known only to a very select few, on pain of death, but can be found on Ross's  Drum Page. It seems the neighbours have had enough of the "musical" noises emitting from the Elder Rooms. This appears at first to be surprising as the neighbours are Wycombe Air Park Jet Engine Testing Ltd.

"We can't hear our lovely engines over the noise from Elder's Place. How can we test them if we can't tell if they're on or off. I have to keep looking at the bit where the flame comes out just to see if it's still on," said spokesman Wing Co. Dicky Bird. "You can't imagine how dangerous that can be."

Ross, giving evidence under oath, swore that it wasn't his fault. "It's Rob & Johnny," he sobbed. "We've been rehearsing new material at my top secret place and they compete with each other to see who is loudest. Obviously, I have to keep up with them so I use my electronic enhancements."

The judge found in favour of Wycombe Jets and ordered Elder to be removed from his site immediately or sooner. In summing up he explained his reasoning.

"Blaming your band mates is a clear lie. You say they were rehearsing? Everyone knows Burn hasn't learned any new songs in 10 years"!

7/1/04

Rob & Ellie (again):        News reached us this week of a reconciliation between guitarist Rob Sas (40) and vocalist Elliott Tuffin (25). The rocking pair had gigged regularly over the last few years having been brought together by a mutual love of music and a fanatical desire to get money. Unfortunately, the relationship had been soured recently by a disagreement on when "being paid" actually meant. 

"I'll never play with him again," Rob had promised. See Sep 2003.

Violence had been threatened but never carried out due to fear and even vocalist Johnny H had been used as a go-between to negotiate with the warring duo last year.

Fortunately, signs are that the dispute may be over as Rob has been speaking with his former gigging/drinking partner again. "What a great guy and a great singer! I've always loved him," Rob reported on hearing that he would earn some cash.

Elliott responded, "He's a fantastic guitarist and a lovely bloke," on learning how little Rob would play for.

22/12/04

The Burn Bus:    In an effort to economise on rising fuel costs and to emulate Cliff Richard in Summer Holiday, the Burn Boys have fitted out an old London bus as a comfort tourer for the forthcoming gigs in 2005. Cooking facilities, a shower and private swimming pool plus saunas and sunbeds have been added to the former No.9 from Clacton to Paddington. Spokesman Ross Elder (27) waxed lyrical about the prospect of touring in style. "It's a dream come true. After the failure of our private plane project (see Private Plane for Burn) this is the next best thing. I'm responsible for galley duties, Rob will be lead driver and handle navigation duties and Johnny will be the mechanic and toilet cleaner."

The Burn Bus will hit the road for the Boxing Day gig at Lechlade although a driver may be specially hired if Mr Sas has taken too many medicines following Xmas day.

Ross added, "If any Burn fans want to make the trip with us then I have my conductor's uniform and a little ticket dispenser. Fares will be at a price you can afford"

    A London Bus yesterday

8/12/04

Sas's Yngwie Tribute:    Plans recently were revealed by guitar virtuoso Robert Sas (28) for a new band in addition to his regular Burn duties. "Yes," laughed the tousled haired rocking man. "As I don't get enough opportunity to play lead guitar quickly, I have decided to form a Yngwie Malmsteen tribute band."

Rock fans will recognize Malmsteen's guitar genius which first came to public notice in the early 1980's and his unique pairing of metal and Paganini's classical violin runs found great success amongst both his guitar playing peers and the public.

"Yngwie hires singers, drummers and bass players and tells each one precisely what to play. Every note is exactly what the guitar player wants.... and that is how it should be in any band. If I could get Johnny & Ross to play, or not to play when I want, then Burn would be a great band. That's what I think & everyone is entitled to my opinion!"

Rob already has the correct guitar and sound in place for the new band, to be called Robwie Sassellsteen's Rising Farce and is attempting to put on weight to exactly reproduce Malmsteen's bloated appearance.

"I'm wearing Sarah's old thigh length boots and a pantomime Captain Hook coat and I have fitted a speed-o-meter to my guitar to make sure I'm playing fast enough. It'll be all instrumental so I don't have to pay any tarty singer getting in the way of my guitar. It's a dream come true."

21/9/04

Digging Our Ancestors:    A recent survey has brought to light information on several of Burn's more famous (& infamous) ancestors. BURNNEWS has been digging the dirt on some of the more unsavoury family members. See DeadBurnGuys

3/9/04

I'm No Anorak:    Drummer Ross Elder (22) announced today that he was unhappy with the travel arrangements for Burn's October 23rd gig in Crewe as part of the Ritchie Blackmore Convention. see www.mbtp.freeserve.co.uk/convention

"Yes, it's true," complained the Heartbeat of Burn. "We have to get up to the venue before breakfast time, in order to sound check, then we will have the whole day waiting around before we play. It's ok for anoraks like Rob & Johnny cos they'll buy bootlegs and watch videos of endless Blackmore guitar widdling until the cows come home. But, I'm no anorak!"

Asked by The Critic how he would spend his day, Ross replied, "I'm a man of culture so I'll probably spend some time in Crewe Library, Crewe Museum and the Crewe Art Gallery. I'll take lunch at La Cossa Nostril Italian restaurant and then, if there's time, I'll visit Crewe Cathedral to see the architecture and take brass rubbings."

However, on hearing of Ross's plans, band mates Johnny & Rob expressed surprise.

"Brass rubbings? Ha! More likely he'll visit Ma Miggins Porn Shop in the High Street and rub his own brass all day!"

"....followed by 6 pints of Guinness in the boozer, and he said he wanted to see Shrek 2. Culture? He wouldn't know culture if it sat on his face!"

Ross expressed great disappointment with his ex-colleagues opinions and vowed to get his own back by playing Space Truckin' "so fast that they can't keep up....bastards!"

24/8/04

Rock 'n' Roll Burglary:    Burn members and fans alike were shocked to hear of a burglary from the home of Mrs Underwood, mother of rock legend and Big Pal to Burn, drummer Mick Underwood (35) in the small hours following Mick's triumphant gig at The Crown, Ley Hill. See REVIEWS for more about this gig.

"Mum is ok though she is a little surprised as at first nothing seemed to have been taken," said tub-thumper Mick. "I immediately went round the house carefully and saw nothing missing....until Mum noticed her potted plants were neatly arranged on the patio. The funny thing is, they all should have been on a stand - the stand itself has been half-inched!"

After careful interrogation of Mrs Underwood by the CID using torture and The ACME Truth Serum, it transpired that Mrs Mick had been using the same plant stand since 1963. "Yes," she explained. "It was actually an metal amplifier stand left here by Mick's old friend Mr Richard Blackmore from his days in The Outlaws, alongside my son. It made a very nice stand and I'm sorry to lose it."

Police officials revealed that there was only one lead so far - a "skinny poodle haired person in tight black jeans" was seen running from the scene, cackling with a large rectangular shaped protrusion under his black denim jacket. "We are looking at possible lead guitarists who no longer use beer crates to prop up their amps in pubs," said PC Mousemat. "We advise the public not to approach this man unarmed. He's desperate and won't give the stand up without a fight."

9/8/04

Mongolian Throat Singing:    Sources report this week that bassist/vocalist Johnny Heywood has been struck by a mystery throat ailment that seriously threatens his voice and his career. Close friends of Johnny (142) reveal that the singer ("vocal noise maker, more like" - Rob) fears that he may not regain his voice in time for this weekends gigs.

"It's worse than that," said Top London voice specialist Dr. Juan Tunnamerra. "He can barely make a sound except in a whisper and his legendary, phenomenal range is reduced to raspberry croak. It's possible he may never sing again". ("Hoorah" - unknown Guitar player)

Early indications were that his recent vocal techniques (see News articles 3/6/04 and 7/6/04) may have taken their toll. We asked his mentor and opera coach to the stars (Pavarotti, Domingo, John Ottway), Big Billy Badgerknob -  what went wrong? "I have worked with all the big names and I have never seen such damage to a larynx." Was it caused by poor opera technique or, perhaps, Johnny's Rexercise style was more dangerous than at first thought. Big Billy responded, "No. The silly bastard saw a program about Mongolian throat singers on Discovery Channel and tried to emulate their ability to sing two-tones at once. Unfortunately, he tried harmonising 3 part and has rather done himself a mischief. At his age he should have known better!"

Johnny has vowed to stick to using his Digitech Electronic Harmoniser (£499 from any good retailer) should his voice ever return.

20/7/04

Ross's Commune:    Drummer Ross Elder (31) celebrated the move to a lavish multi-bed roomed new home Elder Mansions this week by announcing that he was converting the house into a completely musical environment. "Yes, it's true," laughed the DIY sticksman. "I have kicked out the kids from their bedrooms into the cellar so that Rob & Johnny can move in with their families. That way we can all live together and play any time the mood strikes - just like a commune....or The Beatles in HELP."

He continued, "I have made the lounge into a recording studio and rehearsal area. Sue is not so keen at the moment but when she hears the results, I'm sure she'll come round. I always wanted a home studio. It's a dream come true."

Saucy Sue (18) was not so sure. "The silly sod has lost the plot. He has me sleeping in the bath and he's been forced to use the ironing board. There's no room left in the kitchen and the cat is using the kettle as a toilet. There is shit everywhere and he just walks around clapping his hands, listening to the room's reverb. He only answers if I call him Juan so I'm talking to the Social Services now about unreasonable cruelty and if that doesn't work then I'll just have to beat him up!"

12/7/04

New Burn Vocalist?:    Guitarist Rob Sas unveiled plans this week regarding a change of musical direction. Rob, or Robbie as he is professionally known, explained the reasons.

"It came about after the Swan Theatre gig. I ended the evening singing backup vocals alongside Johnny for soul diva Taka Boom and it was so successful and really easy peasy that I feel I can make a career out of it. I found that pitching and phrasing to be really natural although I've never actually sung before, and my inbuilt sense of rhythm & timing meant I can easily manipulate a tambourine or maracas at the same time. Anyone hiring me will get vocals and percussion for the same money. It's a great idea."

Burn fans, worried that Rob might be forsaking his guitar forever have already responded with pleas not to give up playing. "I really feel for my fans but my style of playing is very damaging to my health whilst with singing, right, well you just stand there and get the words out. No sore wrists or fingers ever again for me!"

All is not yet lost for Rob feels he can incorporate some of his famous guitar "licks" into his singing. He demonstrated - "I call this the Yngwie Yodel. EEEYOWEEE WIDDLY WIDDLY. Rather good don't you think? Blues? I can do that too. -WAAAL, ERNEE ERNEE ERNEE."

So, all is not yet lost. Rob hopes to make his vocal debut at the Court Inn, Witney on Saturday 17th July. We leave the last words to bassist Johnny Heywood. "Well then, I'm on lead guitar. Oh god!"

Burn - The New ZZ Top?:    The Critic has noticed a spooky similarity to Burn and America's leading Blues/Rock exponents, ZZ Top. Although ZZ Top are miles older and have had lots more success than Burn, as well as making more money and playing better, the similarities are there for all to see. First of all, they are both 3 piece bands - not only that, Ross points out, they are both trios!. They have the same instrumentation - bass, guitar and drums. Incredibly, they both play Tush, though the ZZ's claim to have written it, and their bass player sings! Frank Beard, ZZ's drummer has NO beard and neither does Ross!

ZZ Top are from the Deep South, an area steeped in the blues. Burn are from the South too and they once played a blues as a dare. Billy Gibbons, guitarist with the Tops, is a fully ordaned minister, and Johnny once attended Sunday School with his great mate The Reverend Rick Cameron of Glasgow!!! Incredible!

Sceptics have pointed out that Rob doesn't sing nor have a beard, the sound is completely different, ZZ Top play their own material for the main part and have a cool custom car. Burn has 2 Ford's and a Skoda. In fact, they argue there are just as many similarities to The Pet Shop Boys. The Critic refutes this and maintains that there is something almost mystical going on.

7/7/04

Rob's Ribs:    News hounds had a rather marvellous scoop this week when it was revealed that guitarist Rob Sas had broken his ribs in a bizarre bedroom accident. At first it was thought that he'd simply cracked them but Rob (21) soon realised that the truth was far worse.

Warned by doctors not to lift anything heavy, Rob explained that the show must go on and that nothing would keep him from his Burnular duties. Instead, he would get his big pals to load & unload the car for him. Horrified, Bassist/vocalist/stamp collector Johnny Heywood expressed concern as to how long this would go on? He suggested getting a real guitarist in as a sub but Rob wouldn't hear of it. "I don't want my pals to suffer for me," he moaned heroically. "I'll do the gigs." "Oh.......all right then," said Johnny unconvincingly.

So how did it happen? After all, he was alone in his room. Tales of debauchery and InXS style perversions were suggested but Rob claims to have simply fallen over his bedsheets. Had he been drinking? "Don't know, I was really pissed at the time," said Rob.

28/6/04

Is Blackmore Rob's Dad?:    Speculation grew this week after a rumour started doing the rounds that Rob Sas is the illigitimate son of rock guitarist Ritchie Blackmore. Many similarities have been observed between the two players such as hair styles (although Rob claims his is still attached by natural means) and a fondness for Fender Stratocasters. Rob has sworn that he is 29 and so is young enough to be Ritchie's son and would have been conceived around the time of Rainbow Rising which he claims to have influenced from the womb. Lawyers representing Mr Blackmore refute the allegations and have tried to take out an injunction preventing Mr Sas from looking and playing so much like his "Dad".

Friends of Mr Sas say he has gone so far as to change his name. " He wants to be known as Robbie Sasmore from now on", said vocalist/bassist/Big Pal Johnny Heywood. "So I said to Roberto, you are not him nor his son, but he doesn't believe me. What a k**t!"

Mr Sasmore commented "It's definitely in the genes. I look like him and I sound like him. Everything I play on the guitar is Blackmore-esque. I tried to play Dark Side of the Moon and it came out Man On The Silver Mountain!"

22/6/04

Set List for The Swan:      Battle raged this week amongst the Burn band regarding possible songs for Friday's big gig at The Swan, High Wycombe. Rob Sas (38) argued for a "full metal jacket" approach featuring the heaviest songs the band can play. Johnny Heywood (371/2) pointed out that the audience would not be a typical Burn crowd and that a more middle of the road approach would be better. "A little Mantovani plus something from the Perry Como song book would be nice," he reasoned. "....and maybe a toe tapper like wot James Last used to do."

Ross Elder (39 and holding) suggested an entirely different approach. "Jazz odyssey. We've talked about it for years and now could be the right time. A set of completely improvised pieces in no particular key signature or timing, without singing is what the world needs right now."

After much discussion, they have decided to attempt all three approaches at once. Ross will play free form jazz against Johnny's crooning "Catch a Falling Star (& put it in your pocket)" whilst Rob will turn up and play very fast, almost certainly with his Fuzz Box on.

14/6/04

Jerry's Solution:

Hi guys, 

Another enjoyable night last night, and following our chat and looking at your website today, I do think that the idea of you all forming your own BURN tribute bands could be the way forward. 

The Johnny Heywood Experience, Ross Elder Experience & Rob Sas Experience could be just what the world needs! 

Especially if you concentrated on special arrangements of the pieces for solo instrument (and in the case of JH voice as well.)  In addition to that if you then played the same sets at the same time at the same venues it wouldn't divide the loyalty within the fan base, but at the end of the night you could sell your separate individual band tribute CDs, 3 for the price of one, not to mention charging venues for the price of 3 bands, which would also pull in more punters if they knew there was a triple bill that evening!

Failing that John's mention of his love for progressive could open up new avenues, with guest appearances etc, especially benefiting triangle players such as myself as it's increasingly difficult to get a gig as a lead triangle player these days.

 It could also be beneficial to pub landlords who have problems getting rid of drinkers after time has been called. Telling the audience the closing number will be a reworked, extended version of Tales From Topographic Ocean, INTERPOLATING a 25 minute triangle solo based on Van Der Graf Generator melodies should do the trick! 

Jerry

Burn replies: This is genius. We thank Jerry for his way to overcome our hatred of each other.

10/6/04

New Bass Player?:    Novice bass player, Jim Russell, a long time friend of the band, has announced plans to make his live debut at The Wycombe Swan June 25. Jim, (92) has been teaching himself bass from a big book and sounds very excited about the prospect. "I chose the bass because it looked dead easy" said Nimble Fingered Jim as he demonstrated a minor 9th flattened 5th chord followed by a funky slapped bass line. "I practice all the time, - at home, at work, in bed, watching TV but mostly when I am in the car, chauffeuring my ladies from one job to the next." *

Jim plans to play just the one song, fans favourite Catch The Rainbow but hopes it might lead to further appearances before forming his own band, The Jimmy Russell Experience.

Burn members have their doubts about Jim's ability to pull it off by the 25th. "I'll be out of a job. It took me 25 years to get this good," moaned bassist Johnny Heywood, "...and Jim's doing it in 25 days!!!!....and worse than that, he asked to borrow my amp."

* Mobile Cleaning ladies - honest!

9/6/04

Blackmore Convention:    More news on the Ritchie Blackmore Convention set for Oct 23rd at The Limelight Club, Crewe. There will be two bands playing in the evening - Burn are already booked but now Rainbow Rising, the top Rainbow tribute band have been added. As well as Rainbow songs, they plan to play some of Blackmore's Night repertoire. Tickets are on sale now from the Limelight but as the Club only advertises events one month before, the staff often believe the tickets are NOT available! Tell them to check with ANGELA at the club as tickets are definitely on sale now!! See the More Black Than Purple website for more information. www.mbtp.freeserve.co.uk/convention

7/6/04

Opera:    Vocalist Johnny Heywood has been stunned by the fans reaction to his latest vocal stylings of certain songs, a style he calls REXERCISE. It has not proven to be the success he had hoped. "Well, it's just as popular as my normal technique except that nobody likes it" says a forlorn Johnny. The combination of talking, Rex Harrison style and loud rock music has been heavily criticised by punters and band members alike.

"Total crap" explained an anonymous guitarist.

"Shite" said an un-named drummer.

"I like it" - Aunt Muriel.

Johnny has hatched new plans to do away with the REXERCISE style and is now studying under a Italian singing coach. "From now on it's going to be Opera all the way. If it's good enough for that Winfrey bitch then it's good enough for me."

3/6/04

New Vocalist:    Vocalist/Bassist Johnny Heywood was waxing enthusiastically about a new singing technique which he has been working on in secret over the last few months. "It's not perfected yet and, really, I shouldn't even be mentioning it cos when this gets out I suspect that rock vocalists everywhere will be copying it. It's almost like having a new vocalist!"

Pushed a little further, and plied with red wine, Johnny (51) ("if he's a day" - Rob) described his new method. "I call it REXERCISE - a combination of "Rex Harrison", (late popular British actor/entertainer) and "Circumcise" (Editor's note - Are you sure this is right?). You see, I got fed up with screaming my lungs out at the top of my range and talent in a rockular fashion so I looked at another way of getting the message across. I always felt that Rex's talking style in My Fair Lady was totally admirable and so I now perform some of the songs like Stormbringer and Desert Song in this way. In one simple change of direction I have saved my voice and allowed some older, theatre/show-going fans like my Aunt Muriel to get into Burn's guitar-based-1970's-classic-rock-music."

However the new style may have helped Johnny's voice but other band members remain unconvinced. "I think it's just cos he can't get the high notes any more," said a lead guitarist who wished to remain anonymous, called Rob.

But what of the circumcise bit queried The Critic?  "Yes, I always wondered about that, too" said Johnny. "But, after all, I was only a baby."

23/5/04

Voodoo Dolls:    Guitarist Rob Sas, no stranger to Anger Management, unveiled his new plans for aiding stress relief -a range of voodoo dolls in a variety of sexes, colours and religions for everyday spells & enchantments. "This will help anyone who has been wound up by workmates or family. Just take one of the dolls that looks most like your victim and cast a curse from my accompanying booklet Want A New Kurse for Every Reason? It's great. I have one each of Johnny & Ross sitting on my amp and already there is hardly any space left to stick pins in. Anytime an offending bass note or out of time drum fill gets to me, I can take it out on the doll rather than getting violent". He added, "......or I can just turn up my volume. That helps, too."

Drummer Ross Elder expressed relief when he noticed his own doll  full of pins around his lower back. "Oh, it's the pins!" he exclaimed. "Thank God, I thought I was getting piles."

20/5/04

Pay to hear:    Controversy reigned supreme this week when many venues announced plans to charge a door fee when rock bands play. Due to the ever increasing audiences that popular combos like Burn attract, a certain "hooligan element" (see Jim Russell, Tina Graham etc) is often attached, giving the band a bad name. The door fee should dissuade these free-loaders. This has led to dissention amongst pub regulars. "It's a disgrace - I won't pay," said a drinking man yesterday. "I only came for the beer. I hate rock music."

Bassist Johnny Heywood has come up with a cunning solution to the problem. "Anyone coming into the pub who won't pay to hear us will have little, yellow foam earplugs fitted by the landlord and he can periodically check if they are still in by coming up behind them and shouting "FREE BEER" or "FIRE!"

11/5/04

Classical Gas:    The future of Burn looked in doubt today as plans for multi-instrumentalist Johnny Heywood to play concerts featuring a selection of his acoustic pieces with a full size orchestra began to take shape. "I have always felt that Burn doesn't do my music justice and that only a 76 piece symphony orchestra plus choir can approach the complexities and beauty of it" said Johnny (31). "It would be a tight squeeze, especially at the Bel Vue but I have a tape measure and I know how to use it."

At the time of writing, both the London Symphony and the Royal Philharmonic Orchestras had not replied to his request of "how much?" and it was looking increasingly likely that he may have to go with The Chipping Norton Under Ten's School Brass Band.

Asked to comment on whether this spelt the end of Burn, guitarist Rob Sas (30) burst out laughing.

4/5/04

Ross's Gong:    News reached us today that drummer Ross Elder was in negotiation with a large drum manufacturer regarding the marketing of a giant custom made gong. "It's something I've always wanted, ever since Mother's cook used to bang our little one at home to announce luncheon." said stick-happy Ross (40). "Of course with Burn, it would have to be much bigger to be heard over Rob's guitar." Surprisingly enough, Ross has chosen not to go with long established manufacturer Zill-jin but has thrown his lot in with Alf's Panel Beaters down the Mile End Road.

23/4/04

Private Plane for Burn?:    Designer/Inventor Jim Russell (41) has been working on an ambitious plan to design a Microlight Aircraft large enough to transport rock band Burn and their equipment to and from gigs. "It's something I've had in mind for some years," says Jim. "I believe it will be a big help to the boys if they can actually land in the Beer Garden of the Golden Fleece and offload their gear through the back door."

Bassist/Singer/Pilot Johnny Heywood feels the time is right for Burn to become more mobile. "Elvis, Led Zeppelin, Deep Purple all had luxury private jets but I think a more simple weight-shift Microlight and parachutes should be good enough for us. No more M40 traffic snarls - it's a dream come true."

Jim expects the aircraft will be ready for flight tests by the end of the week. He intends to harness a separate trailer/dressing room to be towed behind like a glider. Well done Jim!

Keyboards in Burn?:    Plans to bring keyboards back into Burn took a large step back this week when guitarist Rob Sas and drummer Ross Elder inspected Johnny's giant  Hammond Organ, a keyboard resembling your Grandmother's dining room chest-of-drawers. "F*** that, I'm not lifting it", explained Ross (32). "You're on your own, Chief," said Rob (34). Johnny viewed the reaction as "disappointing - typical of those two heathens," and is now looking at a smaller Bontempi Hit Organ with nice coloured plastic keys. "They have numbers on them," he added.

22/4/04

Burn to Play Blackmore Fest:    Jerry Bloom, editor of the Ritchie Blackmore Magazine - "More Black Than Purple", has invited Burn to play at a convention to be held in October at The Limelight club, Crewe. A chance for Rob to play at being Ritchie in front of fellow Ritchie admirers would seem to be an unmissable opportunity yet Rob (35) is uncertain. "It's my holiday time," he moaned. "10 days in Mrs Miggins Guest House in Margate is not to be sneezed at." Johnny (29) fully expects Rob to come round and will do everything he can to make the gig happen. See Jerry's web site www.mbtp.freeserve.co.uk/convention

Wycombe Swan Charity Gig June 25:    There was dissention in the Burn ranks this week when Guitarist Rob Sas found out that "charity gig" meant that he was not being paid! "What about my charity?" he bleated. It was explained that this was a Christian Act and he would be very rich in the milk of human kindness as a result. His response of "...don't drink milk" was felt to be very negative and Ross fined him £1 in his new role of Burn's Cultural Attaché and Behavioural Psychologist.

Rob's Game:    To celebrate the new "ad-free" site, why not play ROB's GAME. You'll certainly make him happy if you do!   

Solo albums:    At last the Rob Sas "Partly Covered" CD and Johnny Heywood's "Firestorm" album are finished and can be purchased from the band or by e-mailing Rob at robsas@robertsasvillarentals.com. See the new CD page for full details. CD's Page

Solo albums:    Both Johnny H. and Rob Sas have CD's nearing completion. Johnny's "Firestorm" is now at the mixing stage and Rob is deciding on his final running order for "Partly Covered". Cover designs will be by Johnny. These CD's will be available for purchase at gigs or by e-mailing Rob on  robsas@robertsasvillarentals.com.

"Great sounds" - Rob Sas.  "Wonderful music" - Johnny H.  "Good drinks coasters" - Ross Elder.

February

Drew Deps For Ross:    Ross Elder has had to pull out of the gig at the Swiss Chalet on Saturday 14th due to domestic problems but drummer Drew Murphy steps in to bridge the gap. Rob & Johnny have been working with him in Elliott Tuffin's band and the 3 of them actually did an Elliott gig without Elliott! Drew has worked with many bands including The Sweet and has a fantastic singing voice too. It promises to be a little different!

The Gordon Arms:    Sadly, the music critics within earshot of the popular Gordon Arms voted against the band's return to this venue. "Rock 'n' Roll ain't noise pollution," wailed Johnny H. who was greatly upset by this slight. "If it's too loud then you're too old," objected Ross E., nose completely out of joint. "Fuck 'em," explained Rob S.

High Wycombe still has the Golden Fleece and the Bel Vue, both excellent venues.

January 2004

The Gordon Arms: Rob has spoken with the management at the Gordon Arms about the band appearing there again. This was a favourite of Burn and fans for many years but complaints from locals and music critics about the volume has prevented further gigs from taking place. Watch for more details!

December 2003

Christmas Eve: The band is at the Pineapple for their first Xmas eve gig together in years. Johnny threatens a whole selection of Xmas carols, hymns and prayers will be fitted in amongst the usual rock classics. Ross will be delivering the sermon this year and a wide variety of Christmas pies and mulled wine will be served throughout the night. Bring a large piece of mistletoe if you want to snog the band members (girls ONLY) and presents should be of considerable value only.

Ross's Swear Box: This effort by Ross to cut profanities from the everyday speech of band members by fining them has caused a serious rift in the band. "It's costing me a f***ing fortune" explained Guitarist Rob Sas. "If this keeps up, I can't afford to stay with the band." Ross was adamant that it would stay in place. "There are many kids who attend our gigs and we want to set an good example," he stated. However, this was cast in a doubtful light when Rob's daughter, Robyn Sas (11) owned up to knowing and using "far more and far worse words" than her old man ever did!

Higher Education Standards:    After much discussion, it was felt that a big effort should be made to improve current low academic standards.  As a result, drummer Ross Elder (27) has started studying Ancient Languages as well as Calculus - something that Burn members have always been required to have at least an "o" level in. Guitarist Rob Sas (26) has chosen Mathematics and Geography which he intends to gain at Oxford University - or by Acme Home Study Course. Bassist Johnny Heywood (25) has gone for Chemistry and Trigonometry. "It's really important that we have a proper grasp of these important subjects in our music, especially when communicating with the kids (God bless them)," reported Johnny. "An A or B is best but we will accept a "C" pass from drummers at a pinch."

November

Rob's Solo Album: Concern increased over Rob's solo album which he has been recording over the last few months. It seems that problems with his computer recording software has led to a loss of synchronisation and in some cases, the loss of certain key tracks. In one case, guest vocalist Johnny Heywood's version of Still Got The Blues was feared lost forever despite Rob's frantic efforts to locate it. "It's not a big problem, really," he said. "May have to get him to re-record it, ....or possibly do it myself on Kazoo!"

Johnny's Album: Meanwhile Johnny reports that his 2nd CD is going well and 2 tracks have been completed. Once again it is mainly songs from his past, reinterpreted plus 2 new ones. Rock Chick Mad Mandee Dilly (28) was reported as being "disappointed that he wasn't recording all new songs." Johnny promises that after this CD, he would write new material, possibly for his proposed middle of the road album "Johnny H, a Man & His Music". Will Rob guest on either album? "Ha! No chance."

Ross's Swear Box: In an effort to cut down insults and a proliferation of swear words between band members, drummer Ross Elder instigated a swear box with a rigid levy of fines for certain words. "I immediately fined Rob 50 pence for calling me a git the other day," he happily reported. "It's a great idea."

Rob responded "Well, in that case, here's a pound cos I'm calling you a c**t!"

9th September

Anglers: Well, despite a couple of good gigs here, it is unlikely that we'll play here again. Sadly, our appeal here seems too "select" for the management's tastes so there will be no more. A pity cos it's a good little venue.

Rob's Hand: Rob reports no hand problems after two gigs this weekend. His punishing regime of warm up exercises and scales seems to have taken care of this terrible affliction. We all hold our breath and hope this is the case.

Rob and Ellie: Rob's hand almost had a new problem this week when he threatened to use it (clenched) on vocalist Elliott Tuffin's face. This was due to a late cancellation by Elliott on the afternoon of a gig for this duo. Ellie used non direct telephone contact (i.e. through Johnny) to pass the message to Rob, and so Rob couldn't get directly to Ellie. He was able to explain what he thought of Ellie by leaving several messages on his answer phone of an Anglo Saxon nature and violence was indeed discussed, possibly implied. Rob vowed never to work with Ellie ever again and so determined was he, that this lasted almost 2 days, until Ellie offered him money for Wednesday at the Militia Canteen, Uxbridge. Big respect!

31st July

New Venue:    We are pleased to report a new venue for us to play later this month. It is the ANGLERS RETREAT in Cricketfield Rd, West Drayton. It is a familiar venue for Johnny & Rob as they have played there many times as part of Elliott Tuffin's Band, and it is through him that Burn has been given the opportunity to play. He has kindly passed some of his dates to Burn starting with August 17th and 31st. This could be a regular venue for us so come down and support us! It's a great venue with a good bar and stage. Our friends The Good Old Boys also play there once a month.

Rob's Hand:    Sad to report that Rob's left hand, which has been giving him a lot of pain over recent weeks, has been diagnosed as tendonitis. Unfortunately, the only real cure is rest which neither Rob nor the band wanted to hear. He may drop out of a few gigs if this situation becomes unbearable. Watch this space!