Burn has the answer if you have the question. Ask them anything - political, intellectual, sexual, even musical.... but be prepared for an honest answer! **************************************************************************** Dear Ask Burn: Dear Johnny, a sex question first. Should I always buy a packet of 3? Hugh Pugh Dear Hugh: Only if you are going to have sex, Hugh. However, you will find that you won't care about the other 2 once you've used the first. **************************************************************************** Dear Ask Burn: Dear Guys, I'm so worried about the world situation at the moment. Do you see things getting better soon? More importantly, why can't I get more women? Peter Penis Dear Peter: Ah, Peter, if you could get more women, you wouldn't give a f**k about the world's problems. That's very selfish of you so our advice is..... wank away, don't worry! Glad to be of help. **************************************************************************** Dear Ask Rob: Rob, how do you make a woman scream twice? Colin Clitoris Dear Colin: Well, Colin...that's an easy one. Stick it up her arse then wipe it on the curtains. That usually does the trick. **************************************************************************** Dear Ask Rob: Hi Rob. Frank Spank here. My girlfriend says I'm incorrigible. I said "That's a big word for a 12 year old". Do you think I am and what can I do about it? Dear Frank: Thanks for your question. No I do not think you are incorrigible. You're ok, mate. However, I do think you are a pervert and I have forwarded your name to the police and social services. **************************************************************************** Dear Ask Johnny: Hello Johnny. I saw you playing your bass. You were great & I know you can help. How can I get over premature ejaculation? Bartholomew Tanktop Dear Bart: Thanks for your question Bart. The answer is....don't come so soon. **************************************************************************** Dear Ask Elder: Ross, Baby - Love the band, love the drums, love your trousers. What I need to know is - Do you think Tony Blair was right for this country? Sidney Kidney Weatherspoon Dear Sid: "Cometh the hour, cometh the man" as a dead famous politician probably said. Did you know that Tony is a member of The Fender Club, & plays a Stratocaster and that's more than Thatcher, Churchill or Abraham Lincoln ever did for their country! **************************************************************************** Dear Ask Elder: Hi, Ross. What exactly was Shakespeare getting at when he wrote "To be or not to be"? Ronald Plectrum Dear Ronald: Well, Ronald, it was a multiple choice questionnaire and he'd simply narrowed down his selection. In fact, the correct answer was 3C thus proving Shakespeare knew bugger all! **************************************************************************** Dear Ask Elder: Hi, Ross. Why don't you do drum solo's? People want drum solo's. We just get the one in 10 damn years!!! Is your talent not big enough or will you be coming up with the zillions of reasons why it is "not possible" to do them? Please don't enter me for the prize draw.. I wanted an album, not a single!!. Yours laughingly, Ricardo Hackers Dear Ricardo: Well, Ricardo, my whole drum style is a solo - if I could only get the bloody guitarist to stop playing and the bassist to shut up, then Burn would be perfect! In the meantime I enclose a copy of my latest tuition book "DRUM-A-LING-A-LONG-A-ROSSY **************************************************************************** Dear Ask Rob: Mr Sas, Sir. A question - what are the best strings to use? Gerald the Gorilla. Dear Gerald: Well that all depends on your style, Gerald. For rock songs, I like Fender "Glam Boys" but if you want to discipline your bitch good & proper then I suggest Piccato "He-Men" strings with the metal ball ends. For unruly kids, I find the Gibson "Birch Me" line is very good but when it comes to Country & Western music, I use some rusty wires off our old piano. **************************************************************************** Dear Ask Elder: Hi Ross, here's a difficult question for you. How do you turn the volume down on the drums??!!!!!! We remember the tale well of the dozy woman and why are Rob and John such TWATS? That's the million dollar question. You could do so much better without them. Love from Natasha and Pete and Ben. Dear Nat, Pete & Ben: Good question - and one that demands an answer! I don't understand the phrase "TURN THE VOLUME DOWN ON THE DRUMS" because in 30 years of playing, there is only one volume - FULL UP!!! The day I turn down is the day I will retire and go to live at Mrs Miggins Old Folks Home in Margate. As for Rob & Johnny - yes, they are complete twats and Burn doesn't need them. Personally, I would much rather being doing a summer season of cabaret playing to old ladies who really appreciate me. **************************************************************************** Dear Ask Johnny: Johnny, what can we do to help the problem of starvation in third world countries? Reginald Molehusband Dear Reginald: Yes, it's a real problem, isn't it, Reginald? Terrible! I often think about them as I have my steak & kidney pudding for tea. I have sponsored various third world children over the years ( www.plan-uk.org ) and it costs about £12 per month. Originally, I asked them to send me over an 18 year old native girl to help around my house but they refused. Still, it's very rewarding - I send them money and they send me school reports. **************************************************************************** Dear Ask Johnny: Johnny, love the band. When do you decide to use a plectrum or your fingers. Tarquin Barking Dear Tarquin: When I play the bass, Dork! **************************************************************************** Dear Ask Rob: Hi Rob - You are known as a great guitarist and a great lover. How do you make a woman climax? Billy Weasleknob Dear Billy: Who cares? **************************************************************************** Dear Ask Johnny: Can you help, Johnny? My wife wants to make love 6, 7 sometimes 10 times a day. It's wearing me out. How do you cope when faced with this awful dilemma? Jeremy Bender Dear Jeremy: When this happens to me, I use my middle finger. Simply make a fist, extend your middle finger, tap the side of your head and say to your woman "ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZEE"? **************************************************************************** Dear Ask Elder: Ross, What's the best way to remove stubborn stains? Warrington Minge Dear Warrington: Don't ask me! I simply cut the smelly bits off my clothes and wear them again. Look at my collection of sleeveless T-shirts. That didn't happen for the sake of fashion. ****************************************************************************
Send your questions to: ASK BURN c/o topshamboy@aol.com
A prize will be given for the STAR QUESTION. See if you can stump the lads with a hard one and you can win Ross's new CD -"The Little Drummer Boy" - a collection of his greatest drum solo'ss.
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