The Rev

The Rev. John L. Heywood III (1789-2003)

The quite literally amazing Rev Heywood lived a life of complete purity and virtue. His good deeds and selfless love of his common man was un-paralleled and all his parishioners talk about him with deep affection. Or so it seemed. Unfortunately, the Very Rev. loved his common man a bit too much and this led to him being arrested for soliciting on numerous occasions and for "unreasonable behaviour in a toilet." He was charged under his real name of Larry Love, an unemployed Film Extra and served a total of 52 years over his whole life. This dual existence was kept secret from his flock who marvelled at his energy around the church and his extremely long life. The Rev Larry always maintained that this was due to hormones, good breeding, a fanatical zeal for worship and several glasses of Communion Wine every night before bed. In 1880, the Rev opened a home for young boys in East London and his nature was such that he took it on himself to raise these urchins "as if they were my own. I discipline them all, whether they need it or not, but I will always offer them a warm hand when they please me and I'm not afraid to tuck them into bed at night." In more recent years, he was to be found taking the elder citizens on pleasure trips to the country & seaside whilst still finding time to cut raw cocaine which he sold to schools at a very reasonable discount. Sadly, The Rev passed away peacefully in his sleep just before his 215th birthday - which was hardly surprising, given the overdose he'd taken.

Wurzel Sas (1930 - 1929) Homely Wurzel Sas, a farm hand's son from Dorset was the only member of the Sas family to be published. His poetry book "POETRY BOOK", was written when Wurzel was 38, a remarkable achievement for a man still in Primary School. His earthy style won great favour with critics and the public alike and the book was re-printed 17 and a half times. The Times called it "A work of great politeness - the book of the year" and the Telegraph said "Definitely the book of the Decayed" though this may have been a gag. Popular tabloid paper The Sun simply said "Phoaarrr! Get them out, Love!" Finally, the book was awarded the Pullover Prize for literature in 1956. Sadly, Wurzel was unable to follow up this literary success and his last poem "The Fish Wife's Mother-in-Law" was universally panned. Wurzel died in complete poverty having drunk away (in Scrumpy) any royalties he ever earned from the sales of his words. Not only was he unique in being published but he also died the year before he was born. This was a characteristic as yet unmatched by any other Sas. Or possibly a clerical error.

"Ooaarr, Ooaar as I's always said As I lies in me twin bunk bed That old woolly sheep smells a bit iffy Still it's enough to give me a stiffy" Wurzel Sas 1946

Martha Mary Elder (? - ?) Martha Elder is quite possibly the ugliest woman ever born. This statement cannot be completely verified as no birth certificate has ever been produced, nor is anyone certain that she still lives. not having been seen for many years. Few photos exist and those that were taken were usually destroyed immediately for fear of upsetting people. Martha's mother, if indeed she ever had one, refused to take any blame and disappeared immediately, (some claim before the birth) never to be seen again. Martha's early years were difficult though she might have expected some sympathy, it was discovered that she was, in fact, a completely evil bitch. Earning a reasonable living from pantomime (Ugly Sister, Widow Twanky) allowed her to vent her spleen on all she met, laughing at the disabled and torturing little furry animals was a big speciality. Unbelievably, she married and had a very ugly son, Uriah, who will almost certainly be featured later in this series. Her husband, a blind, deaf mute called Jake Heffalump died soon after, always apologising (very quietly) for what he'd done. Handsome, strapping lad, Drummer Ross Elder insists that there is no family connection but we say "The camera never lies!"

Lord Sebastian Sas (1901-1922) Lord Sebastian lived a short life but managed to pack several lifetimes into it. His father was unknown but went by the name of Sir Jasper Farquaar and his mother always denied having anything to do with the young Seb. A complete fop, Seb claimed he was educated at Harrow, although it was, in fact, a reform school in the Harrow Borough. He won a forged scholarship to Oxford, studying advanced Lechery and Seb proved extremely popular with the students providing much mirth from a gaggle of humorous anecdotes and by trailing a teddy bear named Asparagus. Musically, Seb was completely illiterate but found that it never held him back. He became featured Comic Singer in Ma Miggins' Brothel Stompers, a popular Varsity Act, and as an interpreter of Foreign Languages, specialising exclusively in English. Late in his life, he proved beyond doubt that it was impossible to survive a head first fall from a 6 storey building, drunk or otherwise, though he probably never realised it himself. Young Rob Sas, a Grandson by somebody's marriage, always sings his forebear's praises. "Yes, he was totally unique and original though there are thousands like him. I have always gone my own way and copied him completely."

Rossario Edgebaston Elder (1890-1924) Known as "The Curmudgeon", Rossario terrorised ladies all over the Home Counties whilst finding time to paint, write and play the Big Bass Drum in The Chipping Ongar Brass Marching Band. Although never marrying, he sired at least 12 children by 13 different mothers and invented the little plastic bit at the end of shoe laces. A drinker and a heavy gambler, he once actually sold his grandmother (at a loss) into slavery though she was returned unhinged. His School For Racing Dormice never succeeded professionally and his somewhat unnecessary Toe Nail Clippings Shop also suffered a lack of patronage. A military man, like his mother, Lt. General Rossario led the 9th Hussars against the might of the Zulu nation, slaughtering many tribes. He was court-martialled as the Zulu wars finished over 20 years before. Rossario published his diaries shortly before his death as "Rossario - I Did It All Ways". Sadly, (for him) Rossario ended his own life at 34 when Big Mac Martelli introduced the Steam Driven Mechanical Drum Machine and it played a damn sight better than he ever did. Great, Great, really Great Grandson, Drummer Ross is quoted as saying "I loved the man and he has been an inspiration all my life. I aspire to be like him in all ways, but mainly the alive part."

Flash Harry Heywood (1919-1959) Reginald Harold Heywood, known to all as Flash, was born of different parents in between the wars. As a boy, he stole anything that wasn't tied down and was mastermind behind a series of daring robberies from a line of ladies clothes shops. At the start of World War 2, he was excused service on account of being extremely scared and turned his talents to much better use - selling on the black market. He specialised in silks, jewellery and puddings. An accomplished spoons player, he wrote many popular love songs of the era ("I Love You So Much I Could Fart", "You And Me And My Dildo") he joined Geraldo's Orchestra after the war, before accepting a post with The Royal Philharmonic. It is not clear which recordings he is on due to limited repertoire amongst the more serious composers in the classical world. Spookily, he met his end in a bizarre fish shop accident the same year as Great Grand Nephew (twice removed) Bassist Johnny was born! "He was tops," says Johnny. "I owe him everything.....but he won't get it cos he's dead."